Charlie Hebdo - Good Riddance!

Our editor-in-chief this week is none other than the Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him).

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Recent comments in the media have suggested that I am some way connected to the appalling attack on the offices of a French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, early this morning.

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

My critics are arguing from a position of ignorance, clearly having failed to read my latest novel (available from all good bookstores).

Allow me to draw attention to the prescient bits:

"When you clash with the unbelieving Infidels in battle (fighting Jihad in Allah's Cause), smite their necks until you overpower them, killing and wounding many of them. At length, when you have thoroughly subdued them, bind them firmly, making (them) captives. Thereafter either generosity or ransom (them based upon what benefits Islam) until the war lays down its burdens. Thus are you commanded by Allah to continue carrying out Jihad against the unbelieving infidels until they submit to Islam." (Koran:47:4)

There it is, in black and white: I urge my readers, quite clearly, to smite the infidels. I didn't say anything about throwing a bottle through the window of an empty building, in the dead of night, before running away!

"Behold! You ran off precipitately, climbing up the high hill without even casting a side glance at anyone, while the Messenger in your rear is calling you from your rear, urging you to fight. Allah gave you one distress after another by way of requital, to teach you not to grieve for the booty that had escaped you and for (the ill) that had befallen you." (Koran:3:153)

The cynics often sneer that I'm guilty of bribing my followers to commit acts in my name:

"Let those who fight in Allah's Cause sell this world's life for the hereafter. To him who fights in Allah's Cause, whether he is slain or victorious, We shall give him a reward." (Koran:4:74)

I know what you're thinking, teams. What kind of reward will "we" give him?

"Fruits, Delights; they will be honored in the Gardens of Pleasure, on thrones facing one another. Round them will be passed a cup of pure white wine, delicious to the drinkers, free from ghoul (hurt), nor shall you be made mad or exhausted thereby. And with them will be Qasirat-at-Tarf (virgin females), restraining their glances (desiring none but you), with big, beautiful eyes. As if they were (sheltered) eggs, preserved." (Koran:37:40)

"And beside this, there are two other Gardens, rich green in color from plentiful watering. In them will be two springs, gushing forth, and fruits. And beautiful companions, virgins cloistered in pavilions, undefiled by men and jinn, reclining on green cushions and rich mattresses. Which of the favors of you Lord will you both deny?" (Koran:55:62)

"Unending, and unforbidden, exalted beds, and maidens incomparable. We have formed them in a distinctive fashion and made them virgins, loving companions matched in age, for the sake of those of the right hand." (Koran:56:33)

Can I make it any clearer than that?

I am ashamed to be associated with this cowardly attack, which has caused me and my family a great deal of embarrassment.

If the arsonists had at least managed to smite an indifel or two, I might have been impressed, perhaps impressed enough to arrange for seventy-two raisins (...cont p94)

John Benneth's Life-Or-Death Challenge

The fellow pictured below will be familiar to anyone who's ever been brave enough to search YouTube for videos on homeopathy.

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John Benneth (for it is he) has recently written on his blog:

"Most interesting in all of this is a challenge issued by Roger Barr, an Australian homeopath, who has suggested that to end the argument, skeptics put homeopathy to the test... on themselves..."

John continues,

"Now, MY suggestion for a remedy to challenge sketpics [sic] to try is one I just put to the test. It’s called fluoricum acidum (fl. ac.) i.e. homeopathic fluoride. It just so happens that I decided to put it to the test, on myself..."

The most impressive result of this non-scientific experiment was that John "caved in to" a bottle of whisky. This is hardly a failing unique among humanity but, happily, John has a more interesting test in mind.

"Chlorine’s a whole [other] subject. When it comes into contact with organic matter... it forms [sic] chloroform, which in homeopathic form is noted for inducing in the prover the desire to kill..."

What would happen, John wonders, if the sceptics were to divide themselves into two groups, and if one of the groups were to take homeopathic chlorine?

"...bring the two groups together in a room, LOCK THE DOOR and RUN!"

There's nothing I can add to that - except: challenge accepted!

"Hello John and Roger,

I would like to accept your challenge.

1. I will bet you £10,000 that a homeopathic proving cannot produce in me the symptoms you claim will appear.

2. Therefore, over the course of seven days, I will take one 30C dose of homeopathic chlorine, once a day, at a time you specify.

3. I live near London. You may appoint any person (or persons) to supervise me as I take each dose (or you may supervise me yourself, if you prefer). If you appoint any such persons, it is your responsibility to make the arrangements for them to visit me, at the specified time of day.

4. After each dose, I will sit in a room with a volunteer for one hour. If, on any of these occassions, I attempt to murder the volunteer in cold blood, you win the bet, and I will pay you £10,000. Furthermore, if I succeed in killing the volunteer, I will pay an additional £10,000 towards the unfortunate victim's funeral expenses. Once I have paid up, you are free to notify the police of my heinous crime, so that they can make arrangements for my immediate arrest, trial and imprisonment.

5. However, if I am able to resist my homicidal impulses, you lose the bet, and you must pay me £10,000.

Do we have a deal?"